Monday, June 6, 2011

Self Medicating

First off, let's get something straight.. I am not a hippy. Some of the facts may suggest otherwise. I mean, I live in Austin, TX. I eat mostly vegan cuisine. I sort of really hate washing my hair. Socks are something I rarely wear. I'll even admit to being accused of smelling um, "natural" on an occasion or two. But I'm not a hippy. That being said, when I get sick I do ingest a lot of herbs, vitamins, tea & green leafy things long before I'll ever set foot in a doctors office. Because I feel that food is the cure when you are sick. Eat yourself to health is one of my many motos.

These days I am not sick... but I am not well. And none of these things will cure me. My heart is broken. Everyone knows that time is the answer but I can't brew up a strong cup of time. Some days I can't even get off the couch or bring myself to eat. You can't rush this shit. There's only enduring it. Some things do help. Friends being at the top of that list. They are familiar and they love you. Which is all you want when you your heart feels like someone is trying to make sausage out of it.

Familiar isn't always good though. Like when it comes to your music collection. Every song is filled with ghosts.
"This is the first song we ever sang together!" or "This song was playing when we drove to the desert that one time.." and even "He used to hate it when I would put this record on." All of it will split you at the seems and have you wishing for a tear free existence before you even reach the chorus.

I'm trying to come up with a cure for the broken hearted. Maybe it's silly. I know it's not a fucking sore throat, but I can't just sit on the couch wondering "Did I eat today?" Knowing I did not.

Yes, a haircut helps. Self applied or otherwise. Writing is an important part of the process, but unfortunately it also makes you feel trite. My highschool art teacher once suggested doing a self portrait, which I half heartedly attempted the other day. He said it would make you spend time with yourself. Thinking of YOU and what YOU want. Not a bad exercise, but my heart doesn't feel EXERCISED.
A trip to the record store has been the most beneficial of my efforts so far. Yes, I'm writing from the couch still, but for all intents and purposes let's say that blogging is a social activity. Which is an improvement. I picked up many different things. A selection that is all over the place.. just like me. And here they are:

Story by Tiana Hux aka MC Sweet Tea
A local white lady rapper (one of my most favorite things) who I find to be inspiring and she gets me as close to giggling as possible. I first saw her perform at a fashion show this past winter. Her hair was big, her rhymes were um, phat & it was love at first note. It makes me think I could dance again. Which is much appreciated. I highly recommend it.

Xiu Xiu's Fabulous Muscles
Because part of me will not let this couch or this feeling go. So I might as well have something new to cry to. I'm in the mood for something beaming with dramatics. Something creepy and impossible to explain. Ya know, a record that sounds like it was very painful to make.

My Secret Public Journal LIVE by Mike Birbiglia
Mostly because it was on sale. Also because I love him. AND I want to try stand up comedy (once I can crack a joke again) and I feel that at some point this will be highly inspiring.

Last but not least...

Diamond Rings - Special Affections
This record IS my rebound boyfriend. John O is so cute and all the words are right. The love songs are certainly punishing BUT I'm into that and it's poppy enough to get me up and into the shower. If you've recently broken up or been dumped you should let this cute canadian boy sing to you. You might even smile.


Larissa Marie Swindle said...

i may not have much in the way of advice but i do know that you are one of the most talented, beautiful, interesting, big hearted ladies i know and part of your heart mending process should be spent reading back through this blog and indulging in how much you've accomplished and how completely wonderful you are. and listening to that Diamond Rings album more, because the is FOR SURE going to help. and not to sound all shopaholic takes manhattan here, but also maybe buying a hot-as-shit new dress and one of those fredrick's of hollywood bras would probably help a little. i mean, i wouldn't hurt.

anjali said...

What miss rissa said! And buying new records is the best, you got the right stuff grrrrrl :)

∑√å said...

So good to see you back blogging! I love your new stuff.

Model Citizen aka Bonnie Rue said...

I could use a new dress... but have no desire for anywhere to wear it. I guess I could break it in here on the couch. It's just a difficult time - by difficult I mean absolutely impossible. There's no where I want to be, nothing I want to do & I thought it would never be possible, but nothing I want to eat! to quote Ron after he ran into one of the dementors... "I felt weird though, like I'd never be cheerful again"...
I'll figure it out. That's my only option at this point.
Maybe I'll just blog my brains out.